Ego...

Well, today was not good at all. I made the mistake (as usual) to opt out of resting on our scheduled rest day, and I paid for it dearly today. The WOD was 5 rounds of 5 X 100# clean and jerks, and 200 meter run. First round was super. Had no issues. 2nd round started out okay, and then it hit me...the right side of my lower back just seized up. No, it didn't just seize up, it wrenched itself into a large, painful knot that is now ugly and swollen. I don't think I've ever had back pain like that. Frankly, I've never really dealt with my OWN back pain. I used to deal with the back pain of others, and thought I was exempt. Apparently, I am not invincible. After round 2, my form went to shit, the run hurt like hell, and I actually started to cry from the pain. I finished the WOD in 12-something, which is just stupid.

The problem is that I have been so proud of going Rx'd on almost everything, that I let that same pride get in the way of an impending back issue (back's been secretly bothering me for about a month). I was going to do everything in my power to NOT be the only one dropping down the weight - much to my detriment. So when do we let cognitive reason take over, amidst the desire to go prescribed? When do we tell ourselves that this is not the last workout we will ever do; our only chance to give it our all?

This issue transcends mere workouts, and is one with which I continually deal in all aspects of my life. I have a very hard time accepting help from others. I never want to feel beholden to anyone in this life. I want to be able to say, "I did that all by myself. See, I don't need anyone." Perhaps it's an only child thing. Perhaps it can simply be summed up as yet another of my many character flaws. At any rate, I need to find a better balance between being driven to be the best, and maybe being a little kinder to myself.

CrossFit Omaha 30 second Video Spot on Vimeo

This just made my day!

CrossFit Omaha 30 second Video Spot on Vimeo: "CrossFit"

Yet another great invention...

Holy cow. Just when I thought my obsession for peanut butter would be the death of a lean body, my friend Cora introduced me to PB2 - peanut butter powder. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical, but I promptly went to HyVee and picked up a container. Came home and mixed it up, and I must say it's quite tasty! Here's the stats:

Amount Per 2 Tablespoon Serving (*when mixed with water):
Calories 53.2
Calories from Fat 16.8

Fat 1.87

Carbohydrate 3.4
Sugars 1.66
Protein 5.65

I'm officially in love.

I found this ever-so-fitting depiction of how I feel about nutrition, on fellow Crossfitter, Melissa Byers' Blog. Yeah, we should all know by now just exactly what is and what is not healthy. But really? I mean really don't you just want to say fuck off, sometimes? I know I feel that way about my friend, Mr. peanut butter. Legumes are bad, fat is good, salt is bad, olive oil is limited to a drop, carrots are forbidden on the zone, but celebrated on a Paleo diet. I'm so annoyed, I just want a cookie. Or some booze. No, not really... But, in an interesting aside, as it is the birthday for one of my interns, I made cupcakes to celebrate (and to satisfy my baking needs - such altruism!). I didn't have any of them. None. Didn't even sabotage a cupcake so it would be rendered useless amongst it's perfectly shaped friends, forcing me to do the only humane thing; eating it. That's f'in willpower if I've ever seen it.

You know, the worst part of this whole thing is that I have completely, and utterly given up bread. My old pal. My comforting partner for peanut butter. And crackers. Oh, how I miss eating a box of crackers with hummus. That's right. An entire box. And I didn't care. I saw a drastic decrease in Kashi's stock, when I switched to a meat/vegetable/fruit diet. I'm not sure they will make it in this economy without my help.

So as maddening as all this nutrition business is, I do get a kind of sick joy out of worrying and measuring and contemplating my diet. Maybe one day soon, I will figure it out; hone my intake to the point where I see the results I want to see.

Frustration...

Well.....I am extremely irritated that I don't fully understand how food and exercise affect MY particular body. The better, more scientifically I eat, the more weight I gain, and the crappier my performance. The less I eat, the lighter I become; which coincides directly with faster, stronger performances for me. I don't get it. It flies in the face of science. Shoot, my physical weight can fluctuate up to 10 pounds EACH DAY. That makes for some strong psychotic events within my head.

So I decided that perhaps the quality of my protein was insufficient. I purchased some "fancy" protein as opposed to my lame grocery-store Kashi GoLean protein (say that five times fast), and am now the proud owner of a concentrate that is a really solid mixture of whey and casein. It tastes pretty good too. Got a multivitamin, even though I don't really care so much about mvs, but figure as I fight off yet another stupid sinus cold, I ought to give it a try. Thinking a bit about the Zone diet, I realize that my Vitamin C intake has been extremely low, as I tend to stay away from fruit now, other than apples. And, of course grapes. So maybe this is the answer???

I am going to give this a whirl, and see how my results fare. I tend to bulk up pretty quickly, so I would like to minimize that aspect, while still maintaining strength gains. I know I am a hell-of-a-lot stronger than I used to be, but the body-image-disorder in me is displeased with taking up more space. There has to be some sort of balance. I will say, adding back some yoga really helped with hamstring issues. My left hamstring is pretty much always on the verge of fraying, so taking at least 1 day per week to get back to an actual yoga practice is beneficial.

So far, I have had my typical breakfast, which I have researched ad nauseam. Seems to be good? Going to drink a LOT of water today, and see how I react. New job + no water cooler = lazy water intake. Not good.

Tuf Skin...

I don't believe I've ever been quite as excited about a product in the marketplace. There is a Crossfit God, and he's blessed me with the miracle of Tuf Skin. Seriously, I should have my own infomercial like Mr. Sham-WOW (I really get a kick out of that guy). For the first time in, well... ever, I was able to "stick" to the bar during pullups. I knocked out nearly 10 each time during our Tabata Mashup. Round 6, for some reason, I only got 6 pullups, but that's because my forearms were going to explode. I made it up on the KB swings that round. For once, I didn't waste all my energy holding on to the kettlebell for dear life, hoping that today wouldn't be the day that I accidentally heaved it through the garage door. At any rate, when applied directly to my soggy hands, and sealed with chalk, I have "grip." I don't think I've ever experienced "grip." Stupid hyperhidrosis. I love having an "osis." It makes me feel like I'm special. Kind of like a superhero - Aquagirl. Blah. No more, though!

Holy Hell. I can't decide whether to finish this post, or go order 13 cans of this modern miracle. I think I can do both... I can't wait to go golfing. I can't tell you how many times I have lost the club on the backswing. Yes. I am that person who's club flies out of their hands. It's fabulous, and entertaining to watch.

So, for diet, yesterday was a fairly strict Zone day. I felt pretty good. Here's my day...actually, it's pretty much what I eat everyday:

Breakfast - 2/3 cup steel cut oats
1 tbsp peanut butter
1/4 cup cottage cheese
1 tsp protein powder

Lunch - 1 oz turkey
1 oz. provolone
2 macadamia nuts
1 apple

Snack - Balance Bar (yes, I know. But I love them, and I don't care)

Dinner - 2 cups spinach salad
1 1/4 cups broccoli
2 oz. salmon
1 oz feta
olive oil and vinegar

Snack - 4 oz yogurt
sprinkled with almonds and flaxseed

So - roughly 9 blocks. That's okay. I need to lean out. If I could give up the PB, that wouldn't be a problem. You will read about me in the paper if I give up peanut butter. Guns and a clocktower... I have so few joys in life.

Thoughts...

In totality, my life has been turned upside down. Some aspects are a function of my own decisions, however, some are simply events which reside beyond my scope of control. Yet, I have no regrets. But for the most difficult decisions, we would never truly learn about ourselves, and of what we are really made. Lately however, there are days when it's difficult to smile or laugh. But I keep going, continually reminding myself, "That which does not kill us..."

I have always welcomed adversity for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the complete elimination of complacency from my life. For the past 4 months, this life has been anything but complacent. I suppose it makes for good conversation. I have learned more than I ever wanted about human emotion; about the obsequious nature of some, and the sheer defiance of others. I have learned to take nothing at face-value, and that many, many things are not as they seem.

There is a large component of my being that is so driven, so filled with the feeling of "never being good enough," that it has ultimately become the only constant in my life. I can look at everything around me spinning out of control, and know that at the very least, I am in control of my dreams and aspirations. I am in control of the hatred that drives me. It's an odd feeling, but unnervingly comforting nonetheless.

I am a big believer in fate and destiny. I believe that we each have a path - in finding that path is the joy of life. "It is written..."